I do so love to make everything so much more difficult on myself. I have left myself eight minutes to write before the clock strikes eleven. That’s when I play games with myself about what time I should REALLY go to bed, and, if I stay up thirty minutes more, should I adjust my alarm? And then I set an alarm after my first two go off in the morning… jesus fucking christ… I just need to grow the fuck up and stop being a night owl when life goes so much better when I’m an early bird.
If I didn’t live so damn far away from work I could be my night owl self because midnight would give me 7.5 hours sleep to roll across and still make it by eight if I pushed it. Instead, I’m going to go to sleep at 11:30, get up at 6, and wish I had another hour.
So, it was supposed to be all about my ideal day in an ideal world, one in which Montey doesn’t exist? Hell, if I could describe my real ideal day in my ideal life? If you’d asked me a year ago? I wouldn’t have put Montey in my ideal day in my ideal life.
We were probably never meant to be with each other but we were and we made the best of it, most of the time. I loved him. Turns out, actually a lot, much more than I thought… but I really think I would have been happier if we would have split up at multiple times in our life together.
I loved my job at the gym, back in 1994, into the early part of 95? I’d have to see my W-2 to remember when it became my actual job. But there were way, way, way too many guys and girls way too close to my age for Montey to be okay with me at that job.
That happened over and over and over again throughout our life together. I was always scared to like a job too much. Get too into it, devote too much time and energy towards it. That’s when the problems always started. He liked the income from me having a job, he just didn’t like fact that I had to leave him to go to work.
Holy fuck, stream of consciousness typing digs up a lot of truths. Not so much detail on the question of my ideal day in my ideal life but hey, we’ll get to that.
So, where did we leave off? Apartment close to my job while planning for a small house in the middle-ish of nowhere?
Job? I’ll keep the one I have – I’m beginning to like it, though I’m petrified I’m going to fail horribly at any moment.
OMFG, let’s stick a pin in that little nugget of angst. I truly do think I like it, I’m just petrified I’m going to fail horribly at any moment.
Oh, maybe that’s a bad note to go to bed on. Let’s focus on how I think I’m actually doing okay at work and it is my panic stricken self-talk that is causing me to, oh, panic…
I’m doing fine. I can even ask Amanda tomorrow.
God, I’m so fucking needy.
I am just really not my best cheerleader, Montey was that. He would always tell me I’d do better than I thought I’d do, at anything. I also wasn’t my own worst critic… a husband who should never have never drank, let alone hard alcohol, let alone whiskey was certainly that.
That’s one of the hardest parts of my personal widowhood – that dichotomy between missing the man Montey was while not missing the man Montey was… I’m sure it’s a common struggle, I assume most everyone, especially after 31 years together, has a love-hate battle with most aspects of their life.
So again, back to the assignment, lol. I’m going to need to flag the sections where I actually work on the question.
6am wake up time – coffee and sponge bath, feed the cats and to the gym.
Lift
Shower and get ready for work
Work
Take care of the cats and have activities
Bed by 11pm, 10:30 is better
This brings up so many questions – will I have cats? Tippy almost died this weekend, I was close to taking her because it seemed that the end was horribly inevitable but she didn’t give off signs of pain.
China-mo can’t be too far behind her, she’s the same age, she’s just not run herself so hard over the years… her life of cat leisure has not aged her as fast as Tippy’s frenetic pace.
I’m still destined to have a 2023 as described by the #1 song the week I turned 15, “Alone.” (it was one of those stupid memes that said, as indicated, whatever was the number 1 song the week you turned 15, it would describe your 2023.) Alone, by Heart. Apt.
(11:45 – Seriously, bed time!)