bunchofheather

Category: ramblings

  • July 31, 2023 – More life

    I do so love to make everything so much more difficult on myself.  I have left myself eight minutes to write before the clock strikes eleven.  That’s when I play games with myself about what time I should REALLY go to bed, and, if I stay up thirty minutes more, should I adjust my alarm? And then I set an alarm after my first two go off in the morning… jesus fucking christ… I just need to grow the fuck up and stop being a night owl when life goes so much better when I’m an early bird.

    If I didn’t live so damn far away from work I could be my night owl self because midnight would give me 7.5 hours sleep to roll across and still make it by eight if I pushed it.  Instead, I’m going to go to sleep at 11:30, get up at 6, and wish I had another hour.

    So, it was supposed to be all about my ideal day in an ideal world, one in which Montey doesn’t exist?  Hell, if I could describe my real ideal day in my ideal life?  If you’d asked me a year ago?  I wouldn’t have put Montey in my ideal day in my ideal life. 

    We were probably never meant to be with each other but we were and we made the best of it, most of the time.  I loved him. Turns out, actually a lot, much more than I thought… but I really think I would have been happier if we would have split up at multiple times in our life together.

    I loved my job at the gym, back in 1994, into the early part of 95? I’d have to see my W-2 to remember when it became my actual job.  But there were way, way, way too many guys and girls way too close to my age for Montey to be okay with me at that job.

    That happened over and over and over again throughout our life together.  I was always scared to like a job too much.  Get too into it, devote too much time and energy towards it.  That’s when the problems always started.  He liked the income from me having a job, he just didn’t like fact that I had to leave him to go to work.

    Holy fuck, stream of consciousness typing digs up a lot of truths.  Not so much detail on the question of my ideal day in my ideal life but hey, we’ll get to that.

    So, where did we leave off?  Apartment close to my job while planning for a small house in the middle-ish of nowhere?

    Job?  I’ll keep the one I have – I’m beginning to like it, though I’m petrified I’m going to fail horribly at any moment.

    OMFG, let’s stick a pin in that little nugget of angst.  I truly do think I like it, I’m just petrified I’m going to fail horribly at any moment.

    Oh, maybe that’s a bad note to go to bed on.  Let’s focus on how I think I’m actually doing okay at work and it is my panic stricken self-talk that is causing me to, oh, panic…

    I’m doing fine.  I can even ask Amanda tomorrow.

    God, I’m so fucking needy.

    I am just really not my best cheerleader, Montey was that.  He would always tell me I’d do better than I thought I’d do, at anything.  I also wasn’t my own worst critic… a husband who should never have never drank, let alone hard alcohol, let alone whiskey was certainly that.

    That’s one of the hardest parts of my personal widowhood – that dichotomy between missing the man Montey was while not missing the man Montey was…  I’m sure it’s a common struggle, I assume most everyone, especially after 31 years together, has a love-hate battle with most aspects of their life.

    So again, back to the assignment, lol. I’m going to need to flag the sections where I actually work on the question.

    6am wake up time – coffee and sponge bath, feed the cats and to the gym.

    Lift

    Shower and get ready for work

    Work

    Take care of the cats and have activities

    Bed by 11pm, 10:30 is better

    This brings up so many questions – will I have cats?  Tippy almost died this weekend, I was close to taking her because it seemed that the end was horribly inevitable but she didn’t give off signs of pain.

    China-mo can’t be too far behind her, she’s the same age, she’s just not run herself so hard over the years… her life of cat leisure has not aged her as fast as Tippy’s frenetic pace.

    I’m still destined to have a 2023 as described by the #1 song the week I turned 15, “Alone.” (it was one of those stupid memes that said, as indicated, whatever was the number 1 song the week you turned 15, it would describe your 2023.) Alone, by Heart.  Apt.

    (11:45 – Seriously, bed time!)

  • July 27, 2023 – My life

    I wrote the following before I met with my new therapist.  I think I’m going to like her.  I talked almost the entire time and she didn’t stop me once to tell me about her own family as did my most recent.  Nor, as the one before that did, she didn’t stop me to ask me how the company I work for is doing in the stock market and if she should buy nor whether Montey and I truly were at peace turning our back on Jesus, Christianity, the whole shebang…  Judaism, Islam, or something more obscure like Jainism?  Guarantee the thought that any other religion could be fine as well never crossed that one’s mind.  To her credit, it took her about nine months to really make it clear that being an atheist wasn’t really okay with her.

    Just turned 51 a week and two days ago.

    My husband died five and a half-ish months ago.  He actually died on what would have been my mother’s 70th birthday, at about 10:30 at night – but because we knew it was going to happen and I was a nurses aide in my earlier lifetime… I waited to call hospice until after I’d given him a bath and talked to him and gotten him redressed… So he was actually pronounced at 12:15am on Feb 8.

    For about 2 months I really struggled sleeping Tuesday nights

    We were together 31 years.  We met in the Spring of 1992.  I was 19, he was 38, he turned 39 about six weeks after we got together and I turned 20 two and a half months after that.

    We met because I went to work for him and moved into his laundry room.  We got together because one night, about a month into working for him, out with all the guys at the bar, somebody joked something, another joke was made, and he said, “you know where my bed is.”  And as they say, the rest, the next 31 years, was history.

    During those years, a lot happened, my mom died, my grandma died, my best friend from high school died but I’m not exactly sure when because that was one of my many friends that I lost touch with.  They weren’t his friends.

    His mom died, My grandfather and other grandmother died.

    There were so many good times and so many bad times.  He was an alcoholic – I married my mother – and was physically abusive, maybe 5ish times. Threateningly so? Many, many more… And emotionally so.  And I changed so much to stay together.

    I gave up myself and changed. I walked on eggshells.  I never answered “what do you want for dinner” without considering his mood, and how it would affect him, and what he likely wanted.

    And over the years something else changed.  He got old, and sick.  And I became a caregiver, and stayed.

    And this was written that night, after I met with her.  Also, I went back and cleaned up the structure above a bit.  But otherwise, carry on.

    I told her that I hope he never realized how truly checked out of life I was at that point.

    And so she assigned me homework.  A journal prompt, What does the polar opposite of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day look like?

    And holy fuck, I didn’t realize what I’m really holding inside.  Parts of it are still achievable in my lifetime… parts of it are long departed, let’s be realistic. 

    Picture Margo Thomas – That Girl, prancing through the streets of New York.

    That’s who I wanted to be.  I wanted to live in a big city, I wanted to prance through the streets between my important job and my stylish mod apartment.

    She was not old, fat, and widowed… There’s only one of those things I don’t have to be.

    But that’s who came to mind. What’s funny is I’m not sure if I ever saw much past the opening credits and a snippet here or there. So let’s break it down.

    I would really like to live close to my job, super close, walk to work is fine – but the area is considered a bit sketchy at night, but can you imagine opening your windows and hearing all the concerts, faintly?  I can sleep through anything so noise level is not a consideration.

    And sketchy? I get that it probably isn’t great, but that shit’s overblown.  Okay, I’ve had more than one parent (not mine, when I was a family liaison) tell me not to smile and make eye contact with everyone. My actual parent, my mother, was always friendly, to everybody, all encompassing, everybody.  My dad, it turns out, is a bit of a – let’s be nice and not use the more emotionally charged words that more accurately describe his kind’s world view – snob.

    Whoa, we’re getting off task.  Back to my assignment. What does the polar opposite of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day look like? For me? Smells? Sounds? Time? Activities?  Wake-up? Go to bed? Job?

    So let’s be honest with ourselves, shall we?  I don’t want to live here.  I don’t give a flying fuck that it is the more fiscally responsible and insane future responsible answer.  I really don’t enjoy it.  It’s too big, it’s too isolated, it’s too outdoorsy, it’s so many rooms that I don’t need and I really hate cleaning.  But over the years I’ve come to respect some parts of here – hence the retirement part of the vision.

    I want a one bedroom apartment.  I want my cat’s litter box, an automatic one, to be in the laundry room.  I want a day bed in the living room, with drawers underneath. In the bedroom, my dressers, closet, etc.  And my sewing machine and accouterments in there.  WTF I need to put my bed in in a bedroom.  Put it in the living room – company comes over? Add some throw pillows and a nice coverlet.  My work desk can go in with the sewing machine, as can the personal laptop.  “A work room.”

    Have a chair for guests.  A card table & chairs to get really fancy.

    I like being alone – I always did.  I fell into this life of a pair and I did it good – ‘til death do we part.”

    Sell this house.  Bank the money. Get an apartment, the nicest I want. Save, save, save – basically everything that’s left.. For now, limited food costs.  Car almost paid off… keep the stupid thing.  Minimal upkeep costs, minimal driving if I live close to work (investigate apartments on bus route!)

    If I choose to live a bit farther away, but can use public transportation? Reading!

    Retire part?  So, I think ultimately, I should look for a super cheap camp up north. Buy it, fix it, keep it, maybe rent it to hunters.  Retire there.

    That way, have some bit of real estate of my own, paid off with minimal costs, to live in, off the money in the bank, for retirement.

    Why the fuck not?  It’s MY life – I can do whatever the fuck I want!

    So, it’s 11pm – I have really got to decide my future.  And my future self goes to bed like a good adult should.  Midnight just makes everything more difficult.

  • My first meal kit service

    I was such a bitch about these at first… why pay such a premium for a recipe and its ingredients. After all, I’m a good cook. But then, life has happened, and I was in a serious processed food rut. Basic, bland, and likely frozen.

    My review after four weeks of Hello Fresh with three meals a week?  Overall, I really like the concept. There’s about ten decent sized versions out there and so I’m thinking of trying Marley Spoon next – after all, I like Martha Stewart, lol. I’m sure I’ll try Hello Fresh again, for now we’re doing one more week of them… to use up my credits for missing ingredients in the second and this past week – I only ended up having to buy a bell pepper this last week, I was able to work around week two’s missing cheese (had some) and this past week’s missing sour cream (used 1/2 from another meal this week that had sour cream.) Nothing that will stop me from using them again in the future if I don’t try another I like better.


    It worked so well for me because I like to try different recipes & flavors… and pre-cancer M did too. He tries a bit of almost all of them after I make them, then takes more if it tastes okay to his ever limited food palate. I’d say he’s eaten a half serving of a third of them, a quarter serving of another third of them, and been a pass on the remainder. I then eat the leftovers as lunch so it’s actually working perfect for me. M then eats cereal, ramen, or hot dogs. If he gets real ambitious he’ll make chicken nuggets and/or french fries in the air fryer. Mac & cheese used to be in the fallback list, but it’s moved to the no column too, as have most things with cheese.

    I would look at a recipe, but the effort of making a list of meals, compile the shopping list, go shopping, just to make a meal that M would probably not like? Nope. Frozen nuggets or a pot pie is fine… But the convenience of clicking on a picture & description I like and all the ingredients just show up in a box? Perfect. The meal kit helps me to eat stuff I like & not give in and eat like a 10 yr old boy which is where M’s stomach is at.

    Hey, at least he’s still eating. We’re at quantity, not quality, stage for M. However, if I focus on quality, not quantity, perhaps I can have at least twenty-five healthy years more.

  • A blue dot in a sea of red

    Why has the health & safety of our society become a partisan issue? What happened to believing in science?

    Around here there is a large percentage of people who think the virus is gone now. After all, their dear leader says so. Normally I can go about my world and not have to interact with that type, but this past week has had a few interactions.

    Today, I go into the local market to get chicken for dinner from their hot foods. I push in a buggy from outside, about 12 people in the store that I could see, one with a mask. I get to hot foods. The woman behind the deli? Oh, she had a mask, it was protecting her chin. Mouth and nose? Breathing all over things, unfettered. Then she reached into the pan of chicken, no gloves, & dug her fingers into the piece she pulled out to rip it in half to fit it in the bag she was packing for a customer. That’s the point where I “noped the fuck out of there” & drove to KFC where their corporate asses all had on masks & gloves.

    It isn’t necessarily due to the virus, that would have disgusted me pre-covid… Aren’t there health department standards?

    Every day at work I hear at least one thing that disgusts me. I was told last week by a co-worker that they thought there should be a question on the company’s application for political party. I said that was fine, as I was going to judge companies based on the tv station playing in their lobby.

    I’m really getting to the point in my life where I am just fed up with being silent and silenced. I’m trying to find my voice.

  • What’s next? Locusts?

    The world is spinning out of control.  The US is spinning out of control.  Honestly, I’m scared – for so many crazy different reasons.

    When I was in middle school, I had a not-quite-right teacher.  His name was Mr. Domen as best I can recall.  Being 14, he seemed ancient – who knows how old he really was.  He was a football coach and taught social studies.  You’d learn quickly to be really careful how you passed by his room between classes.  He wore his whistle around his neck and stood at the doorway, bellowing and blowing his whistle for the least little thing.

    One day, I don’t remember the reason, but he grabbed a kid walking by, slammed him by his neck into the lockers, screamed in his face, and then let him go on his way.  It was 1986 and that was just barely considered unacceptable.

    Anyway, I remember we were discussing the history of countries and governments and he told us that the US would probably dissolve in the next few decades, that it wouldn’t make it to 250.  I remember everyone basically laughing and not taking it serious.  Now, I’m not so sure that he wasn’t really perceptive.

    Speaking of perceptive, in a weird sort of pivot…  I am not a religious person, at all.  I’m not 100% atheist but damn close.  M, the husband, is 110% atheist without a doubt.  I also love to read, it used to be books but nowadays it’s pretty much only audio books.  I read a lot of different genres and a while back, over 10+ years at this point I’m sure, I got hooked on the “Left Behind” series.  The first one was captivating and I kept reading them until I reached the point where the book club I got my CDs from didn’t carry the next book and there I stopped.  They got rather whacked out & unbelievable – even more batshit nuts then when, in the first one, half the world disappears – Poof!

    Back to the point.  I would not be shocked at all to discover that the current leader here in the US is, in fact, the Anti-Christ.  And this from a near total atheist.

    Next related pivot.  My current job is smack in the middle of the most backwoods & racist areas of Pennsylvania.  With Covid, the department of 8 had six working at home, with the supervisor and me the only ones in the department coming in.   Visitors to the department, coming in to talk to the supervisor, speak in such a way as their political and religious views aren’t hard to guess.

    These are the people that think it’s a hoax.  Somehow, the entire world conspired together to assemble a giant conspiracy, whose purpose was to hurt their dear leader’s campaign for re-election.  My husband has been yelled at while pumping gas, for wearing a mask.

    Now another has come back, the one that I’m training so that I can leave this place.  I’m a contracted employee, but not a temp… though they don’t understand the difference.  I’m supposed to be done on July 3, but there’s discussion of extending me… I hope not.  He and the supervisor are on the same side of the fence.  I try to speak up against the constant flow of conspiracy theories and xenophobic, racist statements but it’s a struggle.

    It is so disgusting, that in 2020 there is still so much racism, both blatant and subtle. What makes people think that your skin color determines your worth? How do we fix this?  The world is boiling oil, one little pop of oil into the fire and it could blow.  Every country has a group of people that get treated like shit and it’s not okay anymore.

  • What can I control? My Sims. Not much else.

    The first Sims? I bought a case, motherboard, parts, and built a new computer, named it toaster, just to be able to play The Sims when it came out. I played it for hours and hours on end, for years!

    Where did it start? My computer I bought in 1993 would play SimCity and SimEarth.  Over the years we had SimTower, SimCity 2000 & 3000, SimTheme Park, and a few other Sim titles.  Somewhere along the way we got a Compaq. It really didn’t have the specs needed for The Sims. So when the much anticipated game came out, a new computer was an absolute must!

    I had all the expansion packs for it and for Sims2 as well when it came along.  When Sims3 came out I wasn’t playing near as much and I didn’t bother for years. In fact, Sims4 was out before I bought 3. I didn’t get back into it. And then, Christmas 2016 (17? 18? real life blurs years together), the husband wanted a present idea.

    Sims4 entered my life. He ended up buying me an expansion pack & I bought the game online during a sale. I go through stages where I’ll play, then months where I won’t.

    Well, in case you haven’t noticed, the world has gone to hell. Holy fuck has it. Majorly.

    And I’m addicted to the Sims again.

    Pretty much every night when I get home from work – yes, I’m still going to work every day… that’s a whole ‘nother storyline about how I fucked up my career path in eight short weeks & lucked into a semi save of it before it totally crashed in flames… just a couple weeks before everything else crashed too. Anyway, when I get home I’ve started playing the Sims.

    Controlling my little Sim lady is more control than I feel 2020 has left me with.

  • You take the good, you take the bad…

    You put it all together and then you have the facts of life…

    Laying in my bed this morning thinking about the news and for sure, this is one of those defining moments that you will remember throughout your life. So then I started listing them in my head and these are what I’ve come up with for the past 100 years.

    • Mar 2020 – Shutdown
    • Sept 2001 – 9/11
    • Aug 1990 – Operation Desert Storm
    • Nov 1989 – Berlin Wall
    • April 1986 – Chernobyl
    • Jan 1986 – Challenger
    • Dec 1981 – Lennon was Shot
    • Mar 1981 – Reagan Attempted Assassination
    • Nov 1979 / Jan 1981 – Hostages
    • Mar 1979 – Three Mile Island
    • Aug 1974 – Nixon Resigns
    • Aug 1969 – Woodstock
    • July 1969 – Moon Landing
    • Nov 1963 – JFK Assassination
    • June 1944 – D-Day
    • Dec 1941 – Pearl Harbor
    • Sept / Oct 1929 – Stock Market Crash

    Oh, btw, I’ve lost 40 pounds since the last post. It’s hard this week to give a shit about my calorie count.

  • time to change

    I wish this wasn’t the hundredth time in my life that I’m starting over with weight loss.

    Next week I turn 47. I’m not a kid anymore. If I don’t seriously make a full on lifestyle change my quality of life in the future is going to suck… and it doesn’t have to go like that.

    I kept up with the gym & loved it… then in March 2018 work for incredibly stressful and I tweaked my arm a bit. Now it’s July 2019, I haven’t been to the gym in a year and I’m just over 250 pounds. JFC!

    July 18, 2020 is my 30th high school reunion. It is also my birthday. This gives me a concrete deadline for a goal.

    Yes, it’s ultimately a change needed for my health but let’s be truthful, it’s also about the fucking aesthetics of wanting to look good.

    52 weeks.

    Base goal: 199

    Moderate goal: 175

    Balls to the wall goal: 150

    I’m using a different tracker, Chronometer. What I’m really liking about it so far is that your food is just “for the day”, no meal divisions. Apparently the subscription version allows meal divisions but that’s not a selling point for me.

    So back to the blog to express.

  • 2015 obligatory nostalgia post

    The events that shaped the changes of 2015 started well before the beginning of 2015 but that’s when everything came to a head.

    December, 2014, right before Christmas … one of the parents of a student that lived in the dorm at the school I worked at called me screaming.  Her daughter arrived home for the Christmas holiday and said she hated our school and wasn’t coming back after New Year’s (a commonly expressed feeling by our students since they all had severe behavioral and mental health issues and hate that they ended up at that school.) Anyway,  the reason the mother was screaming at me? Because I allowed the child to come spend Christmas with her family without telling the mother that her daughter didn’t want to come back and if she’d have known that she would have never have allowed her to come home for Christmas.  I listened,  apologized profusely,  and offered to come get the girl. Luckily the mother agreed that the girl could stay through New Year’s as originally planned… I promised that I would be there to bring the student back after that if she refused to get on the van.

    January 6, 2015. The last straw. An IEP meeting for the same student.  The mother, who never took any responsibility for the student, joined on the phone with a list of demands. The county joined the phone conference as well and informed me that none of the paperwork was being accepted.  I snapped at the mother.  Afterward,  my boss (who I normally really adored) reprimanded me for my obvious attitude.  Essentially I should have fawned all over the mother for trying and doing the best that she could.

    At this same time I was participating in counseling through the Employee Assistance Program  (6 sessions is more than enough for the stress that came with that job — sarcasm dripping) where the counselor was shocked at the situations at work I described… I started to examine what I wanted from my job and these were the two instances that really stand out as examples of what I didn’t want.

    So I went back to school.  I decided to get the Masters in Accounting that I had started but not finished in 1998/99.  I chose WGU for a number of reasons… I could start within a month, I could work at my own pace, it is regionally accredited, and nonprofit.

    In June I got a placement through Accountemps with a large, successful company as a cost accountant.  It was scary leaving a full-time job for a temp position but as unhappy as I’d become at the job, the chance to change my future made it an easy choice.  Six months later,  I’m still there and loving it.

    I finished my degree this month so now I have two Masters degrees… (I think I’m done with school for a bit)

    So, after leaving accounting in 1999, working as a network engineer from 1999 to 2006, then going to school and working in education from 2006 to 2015, I’ve come full circle. 

    TL;DR:  2015 was a pretty awesome year. I’m back working as an accountant after 16 years of other careers, some good, some bad…

  • updates

    First, the banana oatmeal cake was good.  It stuck to the pan so the next day when I made it again for breakfast and lunch I thought, “oh, I’ll use my mini-muffin pan since it’s non-stick.”  Bad idea… instead of sticking to one big pan that could easily be scraped and washed it stuck to 24 little holes in a pan.

    Dietbet.  Yay!  I won $45 and that is pure “profit”.  It was close though.  During this 4 week / 4% bet I had really slacked off.  I was losing weight just not at a rate of 1% a week.  I had to weigh in Wednesday and happened to be off Monday and Tuesday for a four day weekend.  So I spent all four days eating next to no processed food so not a ton of sodium, then I limited to 1,000 calories, drank a ton of water, and made sure I got my 10,000 steps in.  I made my goal.

    Yes, I know, 1,000 calories is low but it was fine for four days.  I average about 1,700 – 1,800 normally so I am far from starving!

    Quest bars!  I’ve had two more since I worked Wednesday and Thursday.

    Chocolate Brownie.  170 calories, 20 grams protein, 19 grams fiber.  Ohhh! These are freaking incredible.  I can’t say enough about how much I liked these.  I think they may have moved firmly into first place for the bars (the peanut butter cups still hold the top spot overall).

    Cinnamon Roll.  170 calories, 20 grams protein, 17 grams fiber.  These were good.  Nothing bad to say about them, I’d eat them again.  This is a flavor I might want to try warm since I’ve heard such good things about eating the bars warm.

    I don’t know which flavor I’m going to take for my morning today…  But for now, time to get up and get some steps in before work!